Finding ME Again

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life, but never as much as I have the past three to four years. They’ve been pretty rough years. I could not have told you why my issues got so much worse. It seemed as if I just woke up one day, and I was broken somewhere inside. I couldn’t fix the broken, because I couldn’t find it. If you had asked me what was broken, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you; I just knew something was not right with me. The other day while having a heart-to-heart with a close friend I finally discovered the underlying problem: I LOST MYSELF. I had lost myself. The very core of who I am. I was just floating listlessly through life; unhappy with the person I had become, but unable to figure out how I had become this way.

Today, I discoveredsomething. I discovered ME again. There was no shooting-star magical moment; although, it does feel super magical to me. To me, it seems like the most magical occurrence in my recent life. I was just driving home from the gym with my music on the radio and my thoughts running around my head unsupervised – I wasn’t paying any attention to my thoughts at all actually. Then, suddenly she was just there. That me that has been missing. This essential core of who I am deep down that I had somehow lost without even realizing it. And it felt MAGICAL. I thought to myself: there you are you BEAUTIFUL BITCH, and just where have you been hiding? The strangest thing is that it didn’t feel strange or unexpected. It just felt right. It still feels new. I don’t know why or how I lost that part of myself. I do not know where it has been hiding all this time, or even what this piece of me has been doing with itself. All I know is that she is back. And it feels AMAZING. To finally feel like I’m just ME, and like just being me is the most perfect thing in the world. I can be happy with me – with that beautiful, confident part of my soul that says to the world: Here I am, take me or leave me, but I won’t apologize for it. And I know without a doubt that I will fight like hell to keep that part of myself here always. I will tie her down. I will hold her hostage. I will pamper here with quiet nights of reading classics, bubble baths with wine, good music, chocolate, and whatever else it takes to keep her happy and content and here in this place in my heart where she belongs.

And if you have ever dealt with the types of issues I have dealt with, or felt the feelings that I have felt these past few years, then I hope with all my heart and soul (and every single bit of this amazing piece of me that was missing until so recently) that you find your YOU. Until you do find that magical piece of  you that is missing, I hope that you are surrounded with amazing friends like the ones that I am lucky enough to have. Friends that never cease to remind you of who you are when you can’t seem to remember. Friends who see the beauty in you when you cannot see the beauty in anything. Friends who REFUSE to give up on you, because y’all, those friends: they are the stepping stones to finding your way back to yourself.

Advertisements

Bucket Lists: Am I Doing this Right?

Alright y’all, so last night I couldn’t sleep. As usual when I can’t sleep, sometime around 2 a.m., I started contemplating the deep things: like the meaning of existence, the pursuit of happiness, and just life in general. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m doing my life wrong. There are a lot of experiences I am missing out on while I’m shut up in my room binge watching Netflix or binge reading a good book series. To try to remedy this I decided to make a “Bucket List.” Only, after deciding this, I realized that I don’t actually own a bucket. So the first item on my bucket list will have to be to buy a bucket. Here’s what I have come up with so far.

IMG_1660

I think maybe I’m doing buckets wrong…and  lists…and numbers…and life. I really can’t be trusted to make adult decisions y’all.