So, have you ever had this dream where zombies were real? You and a group of people that you have never met before are running from rabid zombies trying to bite you. (If they bite you, you will turn into a zombie too.) These zombies are partially decomposing; they move at superhuman speed, but they are not much stronger than the average human. They are also a lot stupider than the average human. (Probably because their brains are dead.) You are in this weird business office that you have never been to before, and there are lots of glass windows and doors, which would make it really hard to hide from the zombies since they can see you through the glass. So you, and your group of people, are running through rooms and doors trying to find a place to hide. The zombies are now in the building, and they are catching random non-zombified people and turning them into zombies as you run away to avoid that exact same thing happening to you. You and your people finally find this room where they have vents in the wall, close to the floor, that are big enough for y’all to fit in (in single file). So you start to unscrew one vent cover from the wall, and next to you a, very handsome, man, who is part of your group of people, starts to unscrew another vent cover. You both lay the vent cover on the floor, right next to the vent opening. You both slide into the opening (face down and feet first). You scoot back farther into the vent, and the next person slides in feet first. You grab onto that person’s ankles, like some weird linked chain of face down, non-zombified people. You do the same thing as another person slides into the vent; the person in front of you grasping that that person’s ankles. There are still two people in the room when you start to see the zombies coming. They are about ten feet away. You yell, “Hurry, get in!”. Eight feet away. One of the remaining people fluidly slides his feet into the opening of your vent. The other person does the same in the vent next door; the one with the really handsome dude in it. 6 feet. The last two people reach out and grab the vent covers. 4 feet. They each get the vent in place and manage to get two screws in place. 2 feet. The person in the front of your vent drops a screw and searches for it frantically. 1 foot.
He manages to find the missing screw and fasten it into place just as the first zombie reaches the vents. The whole chain of face-down, non-zombified people in your vent scoot backwards, like some weird backward moving caterpillar. The first zombies to reach the room pull frantically at the metal vent covers trying to get in. More zombies file in behind them and try to help. You stop watching once you are confident that the zombies won’t be able to get the vents open anytime soon. You thank the good Lord that at least these zombies are retarded, even if they are supernaturally quick. You focus on scooting backward, hoping that there isn’t a fastened vent cover at the end of the vent tunnel. Because you will never be able to turn around in this narrow space to unfasten the vent. Then you’ll either starve to death cramped in a vent tunnel with four other people, or you will have to scoot the whole length of the vent tunnel forward again, and hope that the zombies have given up and left. (Though you know they’ll still be there. Those zombies are REALLY dumb.) You reach the end of the tunnel, and your feet make contact with a vent cover. You push with your feet to find that, thankfully, the top of the cover is hinged, and the bottom is not fastened. The vent cover pushes outward and upward, allowing you to slide backward out of the vent. (As you slide out of the vent, you realize this wasn’t the smartest idea since you didn’t get to look at the room you are sliding into, but thankfully you find that there are no zombies.)
As you look around you see that you’ve come to a room that is lit with a faint orange glow, because apparently there are a bunch of heat lamps in the ceiling. The floor is covered in numerous tarantulas and those poisonous, sun-lizard things from that movie “Holes.” Which, thankfully appear to have no interest in biting you. Your entire group has managed to slide out of the vents and is checking out the room. You hear banging noises, and you realize that the zombies have managed to get into the vent tunnels from the other side and are crawling toward you. They get to the end vent, and they push open the bottom of the vent cover. One of the sun-lizards hisses at the zombie, and bites him. The zombie shrieks, this loud inhuman (because zombies aren’t really human anymore) noise. Then it backs quickly away with the lizard still attached to its arm. Your group has plenty of food and water in the packs y’all are carrying, and since the zombies seem to be afraid of the sun-lizards y’all decide to just hide out in this room for a while. Two months go by, quietly, with no noise from the outside world (or zombies). Then one day the door at the opposite end of the room opens, letting in blinding sunlight. Two non-zombified humans stare at you dumbfounded holding buckets. One of the girls in your group quickly tells them to get in the room quickly so the zombies can’t get them. Then these two strangers explain that there aren’t anymore zombies. The tell you a story about how the sun-lizard’s poison was actually also a cure for zombie-ism, and if a zombie that got bit by a sun-lizard bites another zombie then the cure is spread to that zombie. That’s how, after over a month and a half, all of the zombies became non-zombified again, and the world has been safe for half a month already while you were still hiding in a room filled with poisonous lizards and tarantulas of various sizes. Your group cheers, and you all exit your home for the past two months. (Secretly hoping that you never see another tarantula or sun-lizard ever again. Though you are very thankful to the sun-lizards for curing the zombie epidemic.) All of the members of your group goes to their respective homes to find their family members back to normal and non-zombified. Life goes on quite uneventful for awhile.
A year later, your best friend, Patricia, (who was part of the group of survivors and was in the lizard, tarantula room with you) has been dating Braden (the really handsome guy from that same group of people) pretty much ever since the end of the zombie apocalypse was averted. The three of you are in Patricia’s room hanging out. Braden leaves to go run an errand. About an hour later Patricia’s dad hollers from the kitchen. The two of you look at each other and go to make sure he’s okay only to discover that the people have started to turn into zombies again, and three of them are biting Patricia’s dad. You both run outside to escape, but there a three more zombies in the backyard. You begin to think that you are both doomed, but then Braden rides up on his bike wielding a large battle ax.
“The zombies are back!” Patricia yells at him, but you think he must already know, because he is swinging the battle ax at the zombies and chopping their heads off. He instructs you to gather the dismembered zombie heads and throw them into a big hole he has dug in the yard. Meanwhile Braden drags the headless, zombie bodies to another hole that is a good distance from the head hole. Because everybody knows that if you detach a zombie’s head from its body it won’t be able to do anything unless it gets close enough to its head to reattach it. You don’t stop to question why or when Braden dug two big holes in his girlfriend’s backyard, because you are too relieved to have somewhere to dump zombie heads and bodies. You silently curse yourself for not bringing a few of those sun-lizards home with you as pets in case of another outbreak of zombie-ism. And this is when you wake up.
Have any of you ever had a dream like that? No? Oh, yeah, me neither. I’ve never dreamed that. In fact, I never even wrote this blog. I think you are dreaming about reading a blog that I wrote about dreaming about zombies.
I think I just created a parallel universe with that last sentence. A parallel universe, a rift in the space-time continuum, or maybe a black hole. I feel that I would be successful at creating black holes.